Sorry I've been so busy. Happy late Mother's day! And thank you so much for the comments, they mean a lot. Update xx

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I really can't picture anyone having a crush on me. I can't picture someone thinking about me before they fall asleep or telling their friends about me. I can't picture anyone getting butterflies because I said hi to them or even just smiled at them. I can't picture someone smiling at the computer screen or their cell phones when we're talking. I mean like, why would they even do that? I'm just me, nothing extraordinary or special.

I needed to know that I meant something, anything to you. But what I got was nothing. Absolutely nothing. And it's funny the things you realize when someone walks away. At first, you feel as though it's your fault. Feeling like nothing, so close to falling apart. And then, in time, you come to the realization that you did nothing wrong. That it's his loss, that you are so much better without that one boy who didn't ever care. You live and you learn, that's how it is.

You don't have to rush for something. Remember that if it's really meant for you, even if somebody owns it now, no matter what happens, you'll eventually have it. 

Family is not always blood. It’s the people in your life who want you in theirs, the ones who accept you for who you are. The ones who would do anything to see you smile, and who love you no matter what.

I usually don't like thinking about the future. I mean, let's face it, you can't predict what's going to happen. But sometimes, the thing you didn't expect is what you really wanted after all. Maybe the best thing to do is just stop trying to figure out where your going, and enjoy where your at.

"I'm scared to death. I'm scared of letting you in, I'm scared of taking a chance, I'm scared of giving you the power to break me."

I decided that enough is enough. That since you obviously don’t care about me anymore, I am going to just move on. Easier said then done I suppose, because at the end of the day I’m staring out the window with these tears on my cheeks. Look what you’ve done to me.

You can feel things or you can find a way to shut down.  But once you are feeling things, you can't decide exactly what to feel.  That is the trouble with letting them all in.  They make such a mess of the place.

Take nothing but photos, leave nothing but footsteps, and kill nothing but time. Because here's to the nights that turned into mornings and friends that turned into family.

She’s the girl that has a few best friends and doesn't need anymore. The girl that laughs the hardest at her own jokes. She’s the girl that will hang up on you, but then call you right back and say sorry. She’s the girl who will never leave your side when you need her. The girl who will go out of her way to cheer you up. She’s the girl who never sleeps without her teddy bear by her side. She’s the girl who says she isn’t ticklish, but really is. She’s the girl who will not give up on you if she really believes in you. She’s the girl who believes in loving somebody forever.

When the moment's right, I'll tell him everything. And maybe he'll be the one that saves me from losing my mind. It's crazy, but this could be what I need. He could be all I need. Don't get caught up in me, cause I'll only let you down. You're making it hard to breathe. So close that I could touch you, I know it's wrong but I can't stop myself. No, I can't stop myself from making a move. I'm nervous but I'm telling the truth, it's all I can do to get to you. I can't get you out of my mind.

Along the way, I've learned that you can't let anyone in too far and you can't trust endlessly. The biggest mistake you can make is to care or love someone more than yourself, because then you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Boundaries are necessary so that you can protect yourself, because once you're broken, you'll never fully be fixed.

"You make me nervous. That’s never happened to me before. I keep second guessing myself, and over analyzing your every word."

Here's a toast. To the good days, the better friends. The ones that you just can't live without. The people that have taught you how to party. How to live. How to have a good time just sitting around. Here are to the people that no matter how bad things seem, are going to be there for you. To lean back on and catch you if you fall.

This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, some go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babe, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up because if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.

I always tell the girls, never take it seriously, if you never take it seriously, you never get hurt, you never get hurt, you always have fun.

Don’t believe the things you tell yourself at night. You are your own worst enemy.

I do not understand why girls in my school think it is funny to say things about people purposely trying to cause them pain.  It is down right wrong, and I am utterly disgusted at the thought of what these girls say about me, but most importantly my friends.  I will never understand the justification for their actions.  They make me sick.  Here's an update, hopefully it will make me feel a little better.

~~~

I used to constantly look for people to replace you. Someone to talk to everyday, someone to trust, someone to believe in, someone to love, someone to have the time of my life with. I stopped though. I learned some people really can't be replaced.

I know it may sound cheesy and I know it may sound cliché, but you're the first person that has taught me to miss someone. You've taught me to miss a person from the heart, not the mind.

You had me. For the millionth time, you had me. I know I said I would never come back, I said I'd never do this again. But here I am, laying in your bed and I can't remember a thing I've ever said.

No one is ever going to fess up that they miss you. Until he sees you with someone else. Then he will because then he just realized how good you were to him.

We all have that person. The person you loved before anyone else. The person you loved before you knew enough to be scared of what you were feeling. If you’re really, really lucky, they’re the only person you ever love. But if you’re like most of us, they’re the one that you can never quite get out of your heart. 

I understand the impulse. The impulse to want to put out your hand and want someone to be there at the end of your reach. To want someone to be close to. To want to kiss or touch, even if it's wrong. The point is, you can't control these feelings. Even if they're wrong, they're still there.

Harsh words hurt you, but silence breaks your heart.

Sometimes, when I can't sleep, I just think of the old times. The way we used to sprint upstairs as soon as the house was empty and just kiss in my bed, my skin against yours. The afternoons when we'd roll around tickling each other and squealing with laughter. And sometimes, the only way I can fall asleep is to go back to the times when we'd lay face to face, my head on your chest and we'd fall asleep together.

I’ve never fallen so hard for someone in such a short period of time. And even though I promised myself I wouldn't risk the chance of getting hurt again, for some reason, when I’m with you, it all seems worth it.

She’s the girl that has a few best friends and doesn’t need any more, the girl that laughs the hardest at her own jokes. She’s the girl that will hang up on you, but then call you right back and say sorry. She’s the girl who will never leave your side when you need her, the girl who will go out of her way to cheer you up. She’s the girl who never sleeps without her teddy bear by her side, she’s the girl who says she isn’t ticklish, but really is. She’s the girl who will not give up on you if she really believes in you. She’s the girl who believes in loving somebody forever.

Heartbreak is one of those things that is impossible to define and terribly hard to describe. It's a 'you know it when you feel' sort of sensation. It's the pain you experience that I can only equate to being roundhouse kicked to the head, chest, stomach, and knees all at the same precise moment. It's what you are feeling when you've run out of tears, but you just can't stop crying, so you are reduced to a curled up ball of silent, painful, dry sobs. It's a period of time in which you utilize the phrase “I'm fine, just fine,” and you put on a fake smile to pretend you are this strong girl, when really, dropping your pen makes you want to start crying again. It's a mindset in which you want with all of what happens to be left of your heart to hate him, but you can't, because you are down right confident that you 'love' him. It's when you listen to those sad songs even when you know they won't make you feel better. It's when it hurts to exist.

These other guys are sweet, and they treat me right, but none of them give me the feelings I got around you. But I guess I've come to accept second best, because that’s all anyone's been since I met you.

Don't hold your breath. I'm not losing sleep over you.

Never ignore a person that loves you, cares for you, and misses you. Because one day, you might wake up and realize that they are the only you have left to love.

I look back and I'm far from the girl I used to be, don't care what anyone says, I'm gonna take pride in that.

So let me think about wording, is it too soon to say perfect?

When you truly care for someone, their mistakes never change our feelings because it's the mind that gets angry, but the heart still cares.

quick update some feedback would be apprecaited ??

~~~

If anyone asks, I'll tell them we both just moved on. When people all stare I'll pretend that I don't hear them talk. Whenever I see you, I'll swallow my pride and bite my tongue, pretend I'm okay with it all, act like there's nothing wrong.

You only hate him because you don't have him. Because hating him is easier then admitting he hurt you, that he got away, and you'd do anything not to hurt.

I can’t fight for you anymore. I want you, I really do. But lately this is just feeling more and more like an uphill battle and honestly, I don’t have the strength I used to. I wasn't made for this.

I'll screw up. I'll push you away if we're getting too close. I won't trust you until you've proven yourself. I get hurt easily and take a lot of things personally. But I'll love you with everything I have, and if that isn't enough, then I'm not enough.

Most people are only players because they got played and haven't let go of the past. You got your heart broken, life sucks doesn't it, but you shouldn't fuck up someone else's life because of it.

It doesn't matter how much I wish, or how much I feel, or how much I know. It doesn't matter that I feel like you're the only one for me. It doesn't matter that you're all I think about, all I talk about, and all that I am. It doesn't matter if I can't share it with you. Nothing I feel matters if I can't share it with you. Nothing I do matters if you aren't a part of it. I can write or talk all I want, but that doesn't make you mine. Just because I love you the same way I used to doesn't mean you come running back to me. It doesn't matter that I realized my mistake, that I realized that you're my one and only, if I can't have you. Just because I love you doesn't make you love me. Writing about you doesn't make you love me. I could say all the nicest things in the world, and spill my whole heart out, but if you didn't care, it wouldn't even matter.

If there's anything I've learned in this whole getting over you process, it's that you're always going to mean something to me no matter what happens. You're always going to be somewhere deep down inside me. Even when I'm happily married to the man of my dreams, if I were to run into you on the streets and those gorgeous blue eyes were to meet mine, my heart would skip a beat because I'll never forget you and the way you made me feel when we were young and stupidly in love.

At first you think it's great that you're talking to him again, but then you start talking about things that happened before, bringing back old memories, and then you realize how much you really miss him, and you get to thinking you really want him back, but you remember he doesn't need you like you need him, and it hurts.

And today when you walked by and didn't even bare to look at my face, I felt my heart break. You don't know how much it hurts to see the person you care about more than anything else in the world, pass right by you by like you're not even there.

You’re probably thinking I’ve forgotten all about you by now, but that’s far from it. I have missed you every waking day and my heart still hurts, but I’m getting better. I continue to smile and still go on without you. I know I have missed you, but I have kept it all inside of me,only for me to know. I still wonder about your doings, how you are, what you’re doing, what we used to talk about, to the laugh in your voice, just everything.I miss it all. However, I feel that part of us ending was for the best because everything happens for a reason. Should destiny put us into a crossing road in the future, that is when I will see you again. Until then, remember this: no matter what, even through the screaming fights, the disagreements, mistakes,and the tears we’ve cried, never, ever did I give up on you, so if you ever need a helping hand, do not hesitate to ask. I may be far away, but I will always be in reach.

Sometimes you have to stop thinking so much and just go where you're heart takes you. Sometimes you have to watch the broken pieces fall, no matter how much you want to fix them. Sometimes you have to let someone walk away, even though you want them to stay.

If you've ever tried to fight tears on the bus ride home, and failed. If you've ever lied about why your eyes were glazed over, and you were believed. This one's for you. If you've ever stopped listening to your favorite band because he liked them too. If you've ever hated a girl you didn't know because he picked her over you. This one's for you. If you've ever wished you were weak enough to cry in public. If you've ever constantly hid behind laughter and smiles. This one's for you. If you've ever bit your lip to stop it from quivering. If you've ever walked with your eyes planted on the ground. This one's for you. If you've ever stared into the darkness before sleep, trying to avoid the 'what's if's' and 'if only's'. If you've ever listened to totally different music, but ended up thinking about him anyway. This one's for you. The girl who doesn't get the guy. The girl who still lives her life to the fullest she can. The girl who gets up every day and doesn't give up. This one's for you, because it takes so much to be that strong.

I know it seems like a million years ago we were together, but it wasn't. Maybe you're over it, maybe it doesn't mean anything to you anymore. Maybe it never did but it meant a lot to me. You meant a lot to me. And you still do.

I've been super busy lately, sorry about the lack of updates! 

~~~

It's hard to get over people, I mean really get over them. You can start to have feelings for other people, but it doesn't mean you're over them. It just means you're moving on.

I want to break your heart, just to see what you’re made of. It’s when they say old habits are hard to break, but you’ll always remain nothing more than my most tempting mistake.

I’m going to find a way to be happy, I’d love to be happy with you, thats my dream. But if my dreams don't come true and I can’t be happy with you, then I’ll find a way to be happy without you. 

At some point you have to realize that you have done too much for someone, and the next possible step you can take is just to stop. Leave them alone, or walk away. It's not that you're giving up, and it's not that you shouldn't try. It's just that you have to draw the line between determination and desperation. What is truly yours will eventually be yours, and what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

I don't know, I mean I want to be his friend. But then again, I really don't. You know? I mean how can you simply be friends with someone when every time you look at them, you're thinking about how much more you really want.

When I was with him, I didn't have to be perfect. Or even try to be perfect. He already knew all my secrets, and the things I kept hidden from the rest of the world. So, I could just be myself. Which shouldn't have been such a big deal. But it was.

I honestly thought I could do this without being attached. Just have fun and not give my heart away. But all of a sudden, every smile that comes across your face, and every word you say sticks with me. I can't get you out of my head.

He was everything I have ever wanted, and everything I have ever hated. He is the world's biggest jerk, but the sweetest one I have ever met. He's stubborn as hell, but I actually find it kinda cute. He looks like he could beat anyone up without difficultly, but he honestly has the kindest heart. He's not mine, but I so desperately need him to be.

I tried so hard. You know that, right? I tried harder than you could ever imagine, and now here I am, trying my best just to forget everything. Every piece of you, the way you smell, the feel of your skin. I can still feel you. I think I always will.

If there is one thing I could take away from my previous relationships, it would be to search for a beautiful heart, not necessarily a beautiful face. Beautiful people are not always good, but good people are always beautiful. There is nothing more beautiful than an intelligent, hard-working, independent, respectful man. It's hard to say you deserve better when you, ladies, are in control of what you deserve.

I argue with him like he's my brother, flirt with him like the friend he is, but I love him like something we'll never be. What he is now is all I'm going to see and all he's ever going to give. Just another friend, but one that means the world to me.

I've blocked out the past for a good reason. When someone that means everything to you tells you that you mean nothing to them, you forget the good times and just remember the bad ones so that it's easier to move on. 

You want me to be honest? I did love you, I loved you more than anything. I don't care what you do now. I don't care if you drink until you pass out. I don't care how much you smoke. I want you to live your life without my help and we'll see how far you get. You're a fucked up kid, so when everything comes crashing down, don't come to me again. I've been through hell these past years for you. I know you say you don't care and that you're doing fine, but we both know that's a lie. You know you've messed everything up, you're just too scared to admit it. You have a hard exterior, I'll give you that. But baby, you don't have the balls to back it up.

He was not my boyfriend. On the other hand, he wasn't just a friend either. Instead, our relationship was elastic, stretching between those two extremes depending on who else was around, how much either of us had to drink, and other varying factors. This was exactly what I wanted, as commitments had never really been my thing. And it wasn't like it was hard, either. The only trick was never giving more than you were willing to lose.

That night we talked, we talked about life, about our times together. Maybe we aren't the same two kids we once were, but some things never change. Some things last, and even though I didn't know what was going to happen to us, or where we were going, I just knew I couldn't let you out of my life.

I’ve been giving up on people too easily. If they don’t call, if they don’t try - then I don’t. It’s not fair to lay the blame on them when I’m not calling either. I’m just as much at fault. I’ve got a lot of resentment for old friends - for letting me go without a fight. I just want someone to call and say, ‘I miss you, how are you?’ I just want to call someone and say, ‘I miss you, I’m sorry.’ I want to be brave enough to stay in one place.

I know your life can go on without me, that you can be happy without me, that you can survive without me. But even if you turn me away, I will still choose to stay with you and be your sweetest stranger forever.

Been thinking for days, been sleepless for nights. But it all came to me, driving home. And if I learned anything at all it was to never give up. Cause i see all my dreams laid out in front of me. And for once it doesn't seem so tough.

Just pretend you don't care. And don't be surprised when he comes crawling back saying he made a mistake. And if you want to go, go with him again. But make him work for you. Don't be his doormat. Don't let him in the first time he rings the bell. Make him come back every day until you trust him enough. If he doesn't come back after a couple of tries, just let him go. But if he comes back every day, then he's worth it. Trust me, he's worth it.

The best advice that I could give is just to keep moving forward and don't give a shit what anybody thinks, you know. Just keep moving forward and do what you have to do for you.

I was born without you. So guess what? I can live without you.

I heard that you were living well, but you don't look like you're living to me. Although the sparkle is gone, your smile is in place, so that everyone watching will see. You've got them all convinced. But I know so well that you could list your friends, but you can't count on them. Hold it now, you've got everyone convinced that you're alright when no one else is quite as vulnerable.

It's starting to get easier. I don't think of you every single second. I don't always need to know what you're doing. I don't expect your texts. I don't hope to run into you. I might just not need you anymore.

Some people can just move on, you know, mourn and cry and be done with it, or at least seem to be. But for me, I don’t know. I didn’t want to fix it, to forget. It wasn’t something that was broken. It is just something that happened. And I am just finding ways, every day, of working around it. Respecting and remembering and getting on at the same time. 

Sometimes when you're young you think nothing can hurt you. It's like being invincible. Your whole life is ahead of you and you have big plans. Big plans. Find your perfect match, the one that completes you. But as you get older you realize it's not always that easy. It's not until the end of your life that you realize that the plans you made were simply plans. Because at the end when you're looking back instead of forward, you want to believe that you made the most of what life gave you. You want to believe that you are leaving something good behind. You want it all to have mattered.

very short update xx

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Half of me wants to stay right where I am, in this stressful place because it’s all that I know. There’s something comforting in daily routine and sameness. Like perhaps everything isn’t as bad as it appears, that maybe these things just take time to fix themselves. The other half wants me to leave and never come back, to forget everything about this place that I call home and settle somewhere else. Somewhere where no one knows me and I can live as I please without any questions or criticism.

You weren’t there when I needed you most. You didn’t call or hold me close. My heart was breaking in so many ways, but you walked away knowing I wasn’t okay, and I realized I was never worth it to you.

I hate looking at myself and realizing that I don’t like what I see. I hate looking back at things I did and wondering why I was like that. Everyday there’s something wrong. Just one trivial thing that can make me unhappy for just amoment. It’s like it’s not even possible to have a day without one bad feeling.

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power.

We are all unkind from time to time. We all do things we desperately wish we could undo. Those regrets just become part of who we are, along with everything else. To spend time trying to change that, well, it's like chasing clouds.

Everybody has a secret world inside of them. All of the people of the world, I mean everybody. No matter how dull and boring they are on the outside, inside them they have all got unimaginable, magnificent, wonderful, stupid, amazing worlds. Not just one world. Hundreds of them. Thousands maybe.

 I thought I knew you. But you proved me wrong. I knew that in the end, the only one I can depend on is me. I keep telling myself, maybe I shouldn't ask for so much. But in reality, it really isn't all that much. If you say you're going to do something, follow through with it. Don't leave me hanging because of some excuse. I don't want to hear it, if you make a promise, keep it. If you know you can't keep it, don't make that promise. Simple as that.

And I hate the fact that my heart doesn't grow and I hate the smell of cigarette smoke. And I hate old movies unless they make me cry and I hate the jerk that you've turned out to be. And I hate the sand that holds back the seas and I hate the fact that you don't love me for me.

There it goes again. That heavy feeling in your chest when you don't feel any desire to speak or move. All you want to do is close your eyes and sleep, because the process of being broken is incredibly exhausting. You attempt your best to make your days fulfilling, but no matter how hard you try you can't seem to connect to anyone or anything.

I feel sometimes, that nobody's held me down and forced me to cry or made me hug them, or got to the inside of me. It's like I say "Oh I'm fine" and I walk away. Nobody's ever said "No you're not."

My nerves have been shaking twenty-four-seven and I've stopped trying to calm them. Nothing, and I mean nothing, seems right anymore. Each day gets more dreadful and each day I wish I wasn't here just a little more than the day before. I've been back in a corner for days and no one will pull me out. Being alone really does feel as awful as it sounds. Between the arguments and the tears, I can't hear my own thoughts anymore. I have no clue of what I want, what I need, what I should have. I miss being able to count on you.

I guess the reason I think I'm nothing is because no one's ever fought for me. I believe if I was truly worth it, that somewhere along this road, someone would've fought for me to stay, but instead, I always wound up walking away.

The truth is, I'm one of those few people who actually care when I ask "What's wrong?” The only problem is that usually I have no idea what to say afterward or how to make it better. I try not to use phrases like "That sucks" or "I'm sorry", but I still can never find the right words to say. But I promise, I'll always listen. I guess that's all I can do.

You're going to suffer some kind of heartbreak, some kind of loss. But you will also have those moments where you heal. Those moments are the best. You feel like you smile for the first time again. You feel like you're alive again. Life just kind of restarts.

I think we are well advised to keep on nodding terms with the people we used to be, whether we find them attractive company or not. Otherwise they turn up unannounced and surprise us, come hammering on the mind’s door at 4 a.m. of a bad night and demand to know who deserted them, who betrayed them, who is going to make amends.